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When my husband and I talked about trying to start a family I never would have imagined that my journey into motherhood would go as it did.We always discussed having kids. We also always disagreed on how many we wanted. The numbers of kids changed on a daily basis. Ideally, we wanted to have a baby before we hit our 30’s and agreed on at least two kids.
But we learned early on that we were not the couple who could plan a timeline for kids. We weren’t the lucky ones who could just look at each other and pouf I’d be knocked up. Nope, that wasn’t in the cards for us. That was not the way my journey into motherhood would go.
What was in the cards for us was a miscarriage and years struggling with infertility before a high-risk pregnancy. After a year trying on our own, we got pregnant. We were so happy. Unfortunately, it ended at 9 weeks due to a miscarriage ( read my miscarriage story here). After the devastating miscarriage, we decided to not let it hold us back and continue trying for a baby. After an unsuccessful year trying on our own, we decided to do fertility treatment, which only made me feel crazy with no results.
Feeling completely devastated and frustrated we reached out for a second opinion. It just didn’t make sense. We were doing everything. Taking vitamins, eating healthy, keeping my legs up in the air (yes really), taking my temperature daily, tracking my cycles with 4 different ovulation apps. I knew I had PCOS. I was able to conceive on my own, once.I know if we didn’t stress about it, it would happen.I should have known my journey into motherhood wouldn’t be easy.
Well, it did happen. In our first appointment with a second fertility specialist, my blood work came back that I was pregnant! To say we were shocked was an understatement. We were overjoyed. Even better we were having identical twin girls! My pregnancy was normal for the most part up until 20 weeks and that is when things got scary.
We had what occurs in less than 10% of twin pregnancy selective intrauterine growth restriction. SIGR occurs when there is unequal placental sharing which leads to one twin being significantly smaller. The smaller twin has a smaller portion of the placenta and has to work harder to get oxygen and nutrients. In our situation, it posed a risk to my health and both girls.
We were sent to a fetal specialist who gave us three options.The first option was to continue to monitor the pregnancy closely and deliver as soon as we would need to. The second was to selectively terminate the smaller twin. Even though we would only be terminating one twin it posed a 20% risk of killing the other. The last option was to termite the entire pregnancy.
None of the options were ideally. But being told your options are to end your child or child’s life was the hardest thing to hear. I felt light-headed and sick to my stomach. How could someone tell me that after I just saw both my babies waving at me in the ultrasound and listening to their heartbeats that were strong?
My husband and I decided together we would wait it out and leave it in gods hands. We weren’t capable of making that decision. We wanted to give both our daughters a fighting chance. Whatever decision we made was the right one. On top of that, I was hospitalized for preeclampsia.
The pregnancy was monitored very closely and at 25 weeks it was decided we needed to deliver now as there was a serious risk the smaller twin would die in womb causing potential risks to myself and the other twin. With an emergency c section, they were born 15 weeks early weighing 1 lb 9 oz and 1 lb 2 oz.
They were instantly rushed to the NICU where they underwent several tests and x-rays. We had them both with us for 4 days until our little one couldn’t fight anymore. It was the hardest thing we ever had to go through. Saying hello and goodbye to our baby girl. She was now a beautiful angel. But we had to be strong as ee still had a baby fighting for her life every day in the NICU.
My husband and I always wanted a family.To go through a miscarriage, years of infertility, a high-risk pregnancy, loss of a newborn, and having a preemie defiantly wasn’t the way I pictured my journey into motherhood going. Regardless it was our family and we had to fight to keep the 3 of us together.
Having a baby is stressful on a relationship but having a baby in the NICU is beyond that. We were parents but it didn’t feel like we were. When I was released from the hospital I went home without a baby. We had to leave our baby in the care of someone else while we went home. I felt empty inside. I felt sad.
We had a new lifestyle to figure out, being parents. But under the supervision of nurses, doctors, tubes, and a glass box between us and our baby. It was an adjustment. We couldn’t hold our baby for weeks. We had no idea what she would feel like in our arms. We just knew she was the size of our palms.
It was an overwhelming feeling knowing we created this amazing little girl who is so tiny and yet she is the strongest person we knew. It defiantly made us want to be stronger for her sake. We wanted to keep it together for her. She deserved to have two strong parents by her side believing in her.
We had several days that my husband and I would just look at each other and you could see the sadness in our eyes but neither one of us wanted to say anything in fear the tears would start and not stop.
My journey into motherhood was fearing every moment whether your baby is going to make it to the next day. But to say I wouldn’t be able to make this scary journey without my husband is an understatement. I know for a fact I wouldn’t make it. When I wanted to cry he made me laugh. When I wanted to lay in bed all day he picked me up. When I wanted to blame myself he was there holding me. When I wanted to give up he was there showing me pictures of our miracle.
I thought our relationship was strong before we went through this but it wasn’t strong at all compared to now. There is nothing that could tear our relationship apart. We have literally seen each other at our worst and gone through heartache like no others.
I know our journey isn’t over yet.We haven’t brought our baby home and we are still grieving the loss of our baby. Even after all the heartache I still feel truly blessed. I know everyone goes through their own heartache. Their own journey into motherhood. Just please know you’re not alone. We have all been there. We all grieve in our own way. But we all come out stronger in the end.