Last Updated on
My miscarriage has pushed me to see the meaning in something you can’t explain and to learn how to move on. There was a meaning to losing my baby. It wasn’t our time. Until that time comes I have to learn to move on with my life. I tell myself I’m okay. It’s going to be okay.
It’s easier said than done to pick up and act normally after a miscarriage. Especially to even think about trying again. After all the time it has taken you to get where you are now.
My entire 9 weeks of pregnancy was the thought of miscarriage in my head? Yes, of course, I had that fear. But what soon to be mom doesn’t? But I also knew I was doing everything right, and knew the chances of miscarriage were low. I anticipated my 12-week appointment when I would finally be able to breathe knowing I made it through.
My first ultrasound was at 6 weeks. And hearing the heartbeat of my little peanut gave me chills. I didn’t 100% believe I was pregnant until I heard that sound. Hearing the heartbeat made me instantly love that baby. I started planning everything from names, nursery colors, and themes. Until my 11 week appointment when the doctor could no longer find the heartbeat. She said it appears you lost in week 9. I had no clue as all my symptoms were still strong. It was life-shattering. I held my tears in. I held them in for my husband. When I could finally talk to him and tell him I needed him more than ever.
You never realize how many people you know who have had a miscarriage until you experience one yourself. It’s one of those things nobody feels comfortable talking about or let alone even saying the word. It’s not something you can prepare yourself for and it’s one of those things will be with you forever.
The hardest part of this journey is not knowing the end results. I have so many questions I ask myself daily. Will I have a baby on my own, will it be through fertility, will I have another miscarriage, will we be able to adopt, am I doing something wrong, am I not healthy enough? Being a woman actively trying to conceive I feel like pregnancy is being slapped in my face. Everyone on my friend’s list is pregnant. Everyone at work is pregnant. The cute onesie at the store. The pregnancy comment made by a friend can all send me back into blaming yourself.
There was a meaning to losing my baby. It wasn’t our time. Until that time comes I need to learn to move forward. I just tell myself I’m okay. It’s going to be okay.
I wrote this a few years back when I experienced my miscarriage. I’m happy to say a few years later I was able to get pregnant again and this time with twins. To only have to mourn the loss of another baby when my sweet angel passed away after birth. I’m so unbelievably blessed to have my daughter with me. Nobody can prepare you for a miscarriage or how you will feel afterwards. Just know mom you are not alone. And your okay. It’s going to be okay.